So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
