I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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