This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
