If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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