i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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