I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
