What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
