What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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