he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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