They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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