It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
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Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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