just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
