if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize