why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't deserve a penis
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
