So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
