paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
