She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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