I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
