You smell like a Billy Joel song
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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