u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
sex in a hospital.. check
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
