Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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