i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
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You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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