I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
