Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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