woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
