i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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