My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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