I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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