Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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