Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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