I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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