and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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