and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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