Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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