Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
