shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
