Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
