You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
