I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
