11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
