He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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