I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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