She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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