I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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