The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
