I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
