alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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