the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
