I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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