when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
