like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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