also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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