oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
