Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
