Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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