Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
