this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
