My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
