____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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