i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
