Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
